April Fool's Agony

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APRIL FOOL'S AGONY After a preliminary limber up, amb- after five minutes we about-turned for ling from Holdsworth to Brockett, along Cow Creek. Light rain started and daythe tops with Brigadier Dakin's Fourth light faded. With one member of the (Tongue and Meat) Brigade, we started party tiring, a non-swimmer slow our trip by descending to Table Ridge. through the pools, and all torches failing, We, being the two Bruces, Miller and we decided to sleep out under some Jefferies, Norm. Clarkson, who thought trees on the true right, so as to have an it an honour to be invited on this trip escape route. until he learned that several others had been asked before someone with a suffi- At two-thirty I was awakened by water ciently low I.Q. could be found (N.B., dripping in my right earhole. In a himself), and Henk with similar am- sleepy stupor I reasoned a thesis on bitions to ours, who joined forces. It the cause of this, it's possible connecis considered in some circles to be good tion with April the first, and what, practice to understate. Rough Tongue if anything, could be done. I decided and Meats, like ourselves, with no re- to turn over so the drips landed on my spect for protocol say quite frankly, this left eyeball. An agonised cry from the trip was hell. We had seen hog's backs chief guide "My sleeping bag's soakon The Kings, however, no one wished ing" "So's mine"- "And mine", whilst to be the first to pike, sO the idea all that could be heard from Norman of abandoning a Waingawa Upper Gorge were non-commital watery gurgles. trip was never mentioned. Tea and biscuits for breakfast, before our climb to the sidle track. Text Bruce and Henk had been along Table books will tell you of two classes of Ridge before. During occasional climbing, rock or snow and ice. glimpses when the mist lifted, each Tararua-wise trampers will tell you of a pointed to a different spur as the right third-vegetable climbing.* No text one for Arete Forks. The map shows books give any technique, because none the main ridge splitting into two, one has been devised. The holds are rotten fork to Cow Creek, the other to Arete logs, grass anchored in unstable soil, Forks, in fact there is a complexity of hollow trees and good honest greywacke, spurs running parallel. We oscillated be- which hurtles down on to your cobbers tween the Jefferies and Possum spurs at the slightest touch. A climb to 500 as the current gallup poll favoured one feet commencing at Grade IV or V or the other, there were no trees to (vegetable) and easing off to improbable climb, but we compromised "Safety in brought us to the track. We celebrated the Mountains" by smoking a cigarette. this achievement by collapsing with ex- In the meantime the mist clamped down haustion. Hughie laughed, his laugh so that we could see no spurs. We fol- echoed in the sighing of the trees and lowed a spur which was eroded into a the lashing rain. To prove how fit we razorback and obviously the wrong one, were and that we were enjoying ouruntil we saw the Jefferies spur across a selves, we made up some corny jokes gully 33 yards away, but separated by and laughed at them. The chief guide dense leatherwood. It took three- called our bluff by telling us to pick quarters of an hour to reach this spur, our beds and walk. (Three yotes less for fighting every inch of the way. "Tm Miller in 1963.) I can recommend you walking on nothing!" cried Bruce, be- not to use the sidle track-except in fore disappearing in a shower of leather- bad weather. Cow Creek Hut was inwood leaves. The spur we had battled deed a welcome sight, for four hungry so hard to reach was the wrong one. trampers. We showed our contempt by charging straight down the face into the gorge. A mixed grill at the hut, a high wire act crossing to the true left, then off We reached the high level sidle track down river. We made several crossings but spurning the use of "artificial aids", at selected places, if the river had been shot down a scree slide into the gorge. higher this would not have been possible. We set off up river to Arete Forks Hut, but finding the river above normal, and *There is also social climbing, but that aware of a possible weather change, is rather out of place in the Tararuas.

Elswhere we sidled over bluffs, vegetable the swing bridge. Norman praying for climbs from easy to B- remarkable. forgiveness as he denied connections We urged ourselves on with cries of with the illustrious and highly-esteemed "I've proved that I'm a man", "I'm en- scum. We also learned from the good joying myself"-"You're a masochist", lady that tramping in the rain causes "this is hell"I'm going to give up rheumatism. "My mother has rheutramping"; "What's on next week?" matism, and has never been a tramper, A quick meal at Mitre Flats, then said Norm. "There is a reason for the two Bruces left at high speed whilst women having rheumatism, 1 she replied. Norm. and Henk went at a more normal We did not investigate further. At the crawl. Certain fellow club members end my pack weighed 50 Ibs., the 50/failed to appreciate our efforts, showing sleeping bag alone weighed 18 lbs. apathy to our discomfort. The lady In conclusion, this trip was hell-nay at the farmhouse had to be persuaded excrutiating agony. We enjoyed it imthat we were genuine W.T.&M.C.'s, not mensely-are we masochists? Tararua larrikins before we could use -Bruce, Bruce, Norman and Henk. *